This is what I have learned….women masturbate. Probably, or even more so, than men.

I had occasion to speak to Andrea Rey, one of the co-founders of Biird, a company out of Rotterdam that is as concerned with positive sexual health as they are with self-care in all the ways a lady might come to define it.

What I learned, beyond that first statement, is that it is not easy getting a pleasure product company off the ground…even now. As Rey told me, “We’re not allowed to advertise on any of Facebook’s platforms. Google heavily restricts advertising for sex toys.” But the powers-that-be at Biird soldiered through, creating what they advertise as “bringing you a product that is first and foremost about delivering pleasure while being powerful, and challenging to the status quo.”

I love this ethos. To care so much for female-led pleasure,” as they call it, by creating stunning objects that as much look like works of art as they do indeed deliver power stimulation.

As their Evii in the top picture.

Luckily for us all, men, women, or however you identify, according to Rey, Pleasure has come a long way already. There was a time when pleasure was completely taboo. We’ve seen hyper-sexualization of … pretty much everything. We’ve now come to a point where pleasure is starting to be more and more accepted as something that is part of life.” But she adds as a nod to the future of her industry: “I see the industry move towards products and messaging that is truly developed for and by people with vulvas. Brands will need to become more real, portray self-pleasure in a more relaxed and ‘real’ light, and move away from this idea that sex needs to be this perfect world of black lace, luxurious beds, and perfect bodies.”

You can also see by going to the Biird site (click here) that they make more than just vibrators. Which just shows this company’s wide-ranging vision.

Mostly though, I think we should all take this statement of her to heart: “The world could do with a few more orgasms.”

Amen to that!

Episodes 34 & 35 Up Now: “Talking” Pictures Are On The Way

While we are waiting to step fully into the future with you, broadcasting Licking Non-Vanilla in audio as well as full-color Panavision (look it up here) we give you two episodes for the price of one today: our episode # 34, featuring our talk with Dan Goodman and JoAnna Ross, who created and produce the “Shctick a Pole In It” show in NYC and #35, the return of the fantabulously sexy or is that the sexily fantabulous, Miss Ava Durga.

When we get the visuals a’popping, these two shows will show all the bells, whistles, warts, and public hair that people have been clamoring to see of our Licking Non-Vanilla podcast.

As you may have learned listening to our show, or might know if you have ever met Chris or me or read some of our non-fiction scribblings, Chris is very much down with technology and generally sees it as a positive in the world. I sit way on the other side of this opinion, mostly. But he and I are great buddies and meet in the middle on this issue, agreeing with much more than we ever differ about, for the show and how we care for one another. As expected, the very last thing I wanted was to plaster our mugs across this Interweb thingie all the kids are on, and to be fair, even someone like Chris who enjoys all things new and techy, or at least a fair amount of it, was also hesitant to show our faces.

Other than the smuggling we did in the late ’80s for that small cartel in a country not to be named, Chris and I know there’s not much to worry about if we are seen on the podcast. Still, as you get older, or at least as we have, we both enjoy more a behind-the-scenes, read-our-words, hear-our-voices, keep-away-from-the-spotlight kind of existence. 

Chris and I also know that seeing our startling good-looking faces will just make the fan base even more rabid, and frankly, who needs the pressure?

What I am taking a long ass time to warn you about it is…yes, very soon, you’ll be able to see as well as hear episodes 34 and 35 and then the rest of what comes at you from Licking Non-Vanilla.

Don’t’ say we didn’t warn you.

For now, listen to our show here. Look into Shctick a Pole here and Miss Ava here and here.

Lily Craven Mentions Us On Mike South

Dear sweet Lily Craven, a past guest on Licking Non-Vanilla, personal friend, and the MILF domina you would just die to have spank and scold you, just mentioned me in a new blog she wrote for Mike South’s site (see the piece here). 

As Chris and I fall ever further (or is it farther? You say potato I say…shut the hell up about potatoes already!) down this podcast rabbit hole (but we are never late, so fuck you, Mr. Rabbit!), we have found that, as with lots of other stuff we all get into, our way is made ever easier, and damn fun, by the friends we have met along the way. I have written about this before, and I am sure I will do so again, but it’s the support and honest talks we have had with so many people who bolster us daily to continue Licking Non-Vanilla.

Lily is one of those people we hold nearest and dearest (*in best Groucho Marx’s voice* “…and Lily Craven is somebody you’d certainly want to hold near!”) She was as much giving of her time and good humor when we interviewed her on our episode #32 “Mommy, I’ve Been Such a Naughty Boy…” You can hear it here, with all of our other episodes, on the new network we are on, Skyhawk After Dark, as when she and I began her podcast Phone Sex With Lily (hear here) with a solid minute-and-a-half of teasing.

As the New Year approaches, and let’s hope it is all a sight better than the past few, Chris and I hope everyone knows how grateful we are for the folks we have met in creating our show. And we hope everyone we have befriended, like sweet Lily Craven, as well everyone everywhere, has a healthy and happy 2022 and beyond.   

Thanks again, Lily.

Anne Rice

Yes, the world knows her from her “Vampire Chronicles,” but for me, Anne Rice is so special for the erotica she wrote, as much as how I came to realize she was writing erotica.

I was already a solid fan of Rice, reading Interview with the Vampire and The Vampire Lestat, but I tripped across a book in 1985 called Exit To Eden, written by Anne Rampling, that I just loved. Yes, a hardcover erotic tale, written by an author I did not know, I came to the realization that Anne Rampling was actually Anne Rice when she published Belinda, one of my most favorite books of all time, in 1986 and revealed on the cover of that book Anne Rice writing as Anne Rambling.

Rice had a multitude of reasons for not wanting to connect herself with erotica at the time. In fact, she would come to begin publishing what is known as “The Beauty Series,” at this same time, under the pseudonym A. N. Roquelaure. These books (they would come to a total of four in all) take a BDSM spin across the classic “Sleeping Beauty” tale. But in Belinda‘s ‘outing’ herself as she does, Rice mirrors what happens to the main character in the book, faced with the crisis of pursuing what has suddenly become the most crucial art he has ever created and the possibility of destroying his mainstream popularity.

As Chris and I would tell you, pretty much agreeing with everybody else who has ever made this claim, we are never all that very far from our creations. Be you author, jewelry maker, or gardner (and I don’t care what it is you make or do, if whatever you make or do defines your identity, then that thing is your art…don’t let anyone tell you different!) our very essence is in what comes out of us. The story of Belinda ran parallel to what Rice was going through at the time, and once I knew all this back story, her ‘journey’ was as important to me as the hot scenes and fantastically complex sexy characters she wrote.

So, this is my specific tribute to this wonderful writer

On a last, personal note, I met Anne Rice in NYC mid-80’s at a book signing, and she could not have been nicer. We had a brief exchange where she fixed me with her twinkling eyes and big smile and called me “darling,”

What could be better than that..maybe a spanking from the lady?

Rest in peace, sweet Anne Rice.

Don’t forget to check out the Licking Non-Vanilla podcast on our new network portal, The Skyhawk After Dark Radio Network.

Some Best Of’s

Like it or not, this year’s end is upon us. Finally, you say, right? How was your 2021? Still kinda shut-in crappy with the old COVID thingie bothering you and yours? Yeah, it sucks. Let’s just hope we all stay healthy, from whatever is ‘out there’ for the foreseeable future. Chris and I figured we could give you a smidgen of cheer by linking you to some fun Best Of’s now that December is coming to a close. Here are two naughty lists we stumbled across in the past week or so we thought would make for some fun reading and research, and possibly get your mind off all the wackiness of the world…and force your hand down your pants. Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop and all that, so best to be tickling and tugging with them, Chris and I always say. So, here’s what I have for you smack dab here in the middle of December. Old Mr., that big online depository alerting us all to the very naughtiest moments in film and T.V. have just released their Film’s Top 10 Nude Scenes of 2021.  Their list, surely skewed to female nudity, includes actresses like Alexandra Daddario, Pauline Chalamet, Julia Fox and even singer Halsey fully nude in her long-form video, If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power? Now, that one got by me! For pure porn fun, our friends over at just released their XBIZ Award Nominees for 2022. Of course, we know you never watch porn, but if you have even the slightest curiosity check out this listing of 1,248 nominees, across 100 categories. XBIZ will announce the winners on Sunday, Jan. 9, at the historic Hollywood Palladium, the capstone event to the action-packed XBIZ conference happening at Kimpton Everly Hotel in Hollywood Jan. 3-6.

A Tall Kinky Witch Sporting a Huge Meta Cock

Our latest episode, #33, which we have titled “A Tall Kinky Witch Sporting a Huge Meta Cock” is now live here, here and here (and FYI, that first ‘here is the newest network to listen to Licking Non-Vanilla, SkyHawk After Dark Radio). Chris and I tackled Halloween that had just passed and all its naughty goodness on this latest show.

Yes, there are so many connections between the spooky season and dressing up with kink. 

Who’d want it any other way?

Chris and I also tackle the idea of Facebook turning into META and what that all means. Tickling Chris’s big brain when it comes to futurism is always a good time as he is someone who not only contemplates those blistering fast changes coming to us all but writes about the culture consistently, whether in blogs, articles, or his fiction.

Here at the Future Of Sex website is just one of those articles.

We both take a stab at trying to figure what might be coming down the pike and geek-out a little, as is our want, as much as breathe heavy.

Sure, we love having guests on Licking Non-Vanilla. But, some of our best shows have been when we’ve been lucky enough to jaw with an adult toy manufacturer, a cam cutie, a Clips4Sale star-like Penny Barber, an erotic artist or fellow writer or fellow podcaster like Coralyn Jewel. We have been truly blessed by all this talent agreeing to take a moment with us.

But I must admit, when it is just my buddy and me managing the old chinwag Chris, and I are really in our element. Licking Non-Vanilla was born from those instances where Chris and I sit down across a table, have a hot fudge sundae (two spoons, please), and make conversation down at the old malt shop.

We hope you enjoy episode #33 of two guys just achattin’. I can assure you those two guys enjoyed it.


Hosted by comedy power couple Dan Goodman and JoAnna Ross, every month’s
SCHTICK A POLE IN IT—NYC’s best and only comedy and pole dancing show— features a different music theme. Ranging from Cardi B to Sinatra, Queen, Hamilton and to Led Zeppelin, this evening “mashup” combines the aerial artistry of the city’s best pole dancers its funniest stand-ups.

SCHTICK A POLE IN IT began when Dan and JoAnna just wrapped on Dan’s short film “Skinja” about a stripper by night, ninja by later that night. As misfortune-which-would-turn-to-inspiration would strike, a close friend of theirs was diagnosed with breast cancer and JoAnna came up with the idea to merge the two groups of pole dancers and comics, coming off the film they ahd just completed that used both. Raising money from the shows for their friend’s cancer care (and she beat cancer, by the way!) the night was such a success, the couple kept SCHTICK going as a “normal” show.

Eight years later, they are expanding to more dates as they continue to wow audiences with their one-of-a-kind events. The talented folks who participate here include, Calvin Cato, Anthony DeVito, Victoria Finehout-Vigil, Brittnai Pytlar and Jenny Zhou. The comics have appeared across stages and on various T.V. shows and the dancers boast an impressive run of wins in various pole dancing competitions.

This is a must-do for a NYC holidaze event (God knows you could spend hours just trying to jostle yourself round Rockefeller Center and only ever manage a glimpse of the tree!) Tickets for SCHTICK A POLE IN IT range from $35 – $45. 21+ admitted. 2 drink minimum at table with full menu and bar. All shows start at 8pm. Doors open at 7:30pm. Running time is 90 minutes. Line up subject to change. Proof of Covid vaccine checked at the door. Purchase at

photo credits: Paul Park

Licking Non-Vanilla Now On Skyhawk After Dark Radio

Chris and I have great new news about Licking Non-Vanilla. As of yesterday, you can now hear Licking Non-Vanilla on the Skyhawk After Dark Radio network (go here)!

We are so thrilled to be on such a great network and among such wonderful company. You will see our great friend and guest on our episode #28 Coralyn Jewel has her fantastically naughty and informative The Hankie Pankie Podcast here as well.

As Chris and I have always been striving for, we are stretching the Licking Non-Vanilla reach to bigger and better places…and we hope, lots more listeners. And as we also always hope, we want just about anybody who now hears us on Skyhawk After Dark Radio and surely wants to get in touch to do just that! We want to make our show as entertaining as possible, and we want to continue to improve. Any suggestions our listeners have, we want to hear them.

In our attempt to improve, you will also notice that pretty much going forward; we have decided to add a visual component to the show. Not as much for you to be able to see Chris and my handsome mugs (which are really all but too-stunning for the camera, so prepare yourselves!) but to showcase the guests we have on, folks you certainly will want to see. When applicable, we’ll also showcase still pictures and video, all to make your naughty podcast experience with us the best it can be.

So a great big thank you to Skyhawk After Dark Radio, to Coralyn Jewel for the hook-up, and as always, to you, our listeners, whether you have been along for the ride from the beginning or will be joining up now as we branch out.

Oh yeah, happy holidaze…but don’t eat too much!

Product Review: The Handy

In the world Chris and I inhabit, we are very often connected to adult toy manufacturers who send us their products to review (Yes, it’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it). I was just sent the item you see above, The Handy. 

It’s hard not to love the “Will it fit?” videos (see one here) from about their new handjob machine. This male sex aid, what the company calls “The ultimate automatic masturbator,” is pretty much unlike anything I have seen of its kind.

Featuring what they call a ‘control stoke length and the zone between 0-4.3”, ten strokes per second maximum speed, Handy promises that those sporting a penis would enjoy quite a range of pleasure. Easy to plug in, charge, and manipulate, TheHandy surely will come to your aid again and again, especially when you want to give your hand a night off.

One slips oneself into the soft plastic sleeve provided (more on these sleeves in a minute), then secures the band at the back of the machine around that sleeve (and one’s self) and turns the Handy on.

Of those different True Grip elastic sleeves, akin to experiencing different partners’ grips, there is The Handy™ Original TrueGrip™ Sleeve, which comes with the unit. Then one could work up from “Open Ended Soft,’ to a ‘Medium,’ or then a ‘Hard,’ depending on how tight a grip one likes. 

In addition to what you can manage just by thrusting yourself into a sleeve and turning the machine on, The Handy can sync with videos featuring script files that mirror movements on screen. There is a vast Handy community getting into this high-quality sync-ready stuff, and Handy is partnered with pro companies producing lots of these types of videos.

Not to mention, a partner can activate the handy by remote control.

Packaged discreetly, your nosy neighbors, even the mailman, will never know what you’re getting delivered. But man, will you ever be happy you bought The Handy. I won’t kid you though, this is not a cheap masturbatory aid, but the way the thing is constructed, it will surely last you many strokes.

You can find the handy here.

Ralph has Sex (Phone Sex That Is) With Lily Craven

There’s been a couple of hiccups along the way since I reported on the fact that the wonderful Lily Craven, who was our guest on episode # 32 (go here), was returning the favor by having me on her show. Well, that show premieres tonight at 9 pm, with yours truly being teased than talking with the beautiful Lily.

For those who don’t know, Lily is the premier hot Dommy Mommy MILF provider. Getting scolded, attended to, or just meeting Lily will surely set you breathless, as it has for me as much with my first contact with the lady guesting on her show, then when Chris and I had a fabulous jaw with Lily on Licking Non-Vanilla as much as when I met the busty blonde on the eve of Exxxotica NJ.

In any business, not just erotic writing, porn scene shooting, and naughty camming, one needs friends beyond the folks one networks with. I like to think Lily and I are becoming fast friends. She has as much connected me with the good folks over at Blush Erotica, continues to email with me about all manner of business, and gives good advice, as much as I hope I give to her.

Yes, making fast friends at the ripe old age of 60 is not easy, especially in the past few years with nobody going out and about all that much. But as has been proven to me time and again in this weird little business Chris and I are in, I continue to meet such genuine folks who are not only good to look at but fun to talk to and hang with.

Here are two places you can find the Phone Sex With Lily show: here and here. Listen tonight; I dare you!

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